The Kardashian App: Kill Me Now


Have you ever wanted to ask Kim Kardashian for advice on relationships, beauty, health, fashion or style? Why yes Apple Store, it’s all I’ve ever wanted in my life, thanks for asking.
Watch as Kim strikes her signature poses or blows you a kiss — even locate your closest Sephora to find her new perfume! I assume Kimmy’s “signature pose” is lying on an examination table in her plastic surgeon’s office, talking on her phone and making bad choices. Oh please, let her do that on our screens! As for locating the closest Sephora, that probably implies that 1) the application is stalking you, and 2) that your ensuing conversation with the salesclerk at Sephora will go something like this:

You: Hi, so ohmygod, I was playing the Kim Kardashian: Hollywood app, and like Kim told me that you were near me and that you had her perfume, so um since I’m sort of addicted to the Kardashian’s makeup I was like ‘holy sh*t yes’ so I got in my convertible and I drove here like, really fast.
Salesclerk: [shocked silence. Symptoms may include open mouth, wide, unblinking eyes and a vacant stare]
You: No but seriously I like have the twenty dollar nail polish and the fake eyelashes and everything.
Salesclerk: [slowly regaining consciousness] I.. um.. yeah, one of your eyelashes is stuck to your cheek.
You: Oh gosh silly ole’ me, I’m not very good with the glue, I kinda get it all over myself. So the perfume?

I gotta say guys, applications like these are slowly making me lose faith in humanity. I love technology, I really do: I marvel at my phone telling me that it’ll be raining in Normandy for the next year and a half, or that the Mets finally won a game, or that I’m ten minutes from home in normal traffic conditions. Honestly, living in a world without apps on my phone seems mightely boring (although granted, that might just be because I’m an Internet obsessed teenager), but the apps have to at least be useful.

A Kim Kardashian app teaches its users (who I’m guessing are about 99% women and 1% men) that it’s better to live in a fake, superficial world than in the real one. Sure, the real one is filled with unpleasant things such as, to cite a few; the alarming disappearance of cookies, deadlines and/or alarm clocks but these daft everyday annoyances are part of who we are and what we have to deal with. As a player, your celebrity’s problems are horrible boyfriends and bad makeovers. Boo-freakin-hoo. I understand a little light hearted fun; I downloaded the app myself and giggled at its stupidness with a couple of my friends, but looking over the reviews and some articles on the Web, I realized the horrible extent of people’s addiction to this crap. It needs to stop; people need to focus on things that are more important rather than spending hours on end squinting at their phone’s screen and wondering if they have enough imaginary money to buy that leather jacket Kim’s been telling them to or if they need to invest real money to buy fake cash.

I wish I didn’t care. I wish I could be CT, aloof and uncaring, laughing off stuff like this. Yet I do, and apps like these really get to me. In between the Kardashian app and the Yo app, I don’t know in what direction this world is heading. I think I’ll go watch all my favorite characters get killed in Game of Thrones now, and try and forget about the people moaning because their pixel avatar’s hair isn’t growing fast enough.

Live long and prosper \V/
The Mostly Confused Teenager.

Bibliography: some Polish nutcase

19 thoughts on “The Kardashian App: Kill Me Now

  1. So Happy to see You back! It’s reasons like this post that I Do Not Live in Los Angeles anymore. Things were so different in the 70’s & 80’s when I lived there, and was in High School. When you bumped into someone who chose to act as their profession, they smiled and said “Hello.” Unfortunately people are judged by their materialistic possessions, unlike being accepted for the person they are.
    Besides I resented sitting on a freeway bumper to bumper and it taking 2 hours to get home.
    Anastasia ๐Ÿ˜Š

  2. Loved the article. Made me smile on a bad day. ๐Ÿ™‚
    But in all seriousness, a Kim Kardashian app! The next thing we know there will be a ‘Rebecca Black – How to write weekday songs’ app. *shudders*

    • I’m so glad, it’s awesomesauce to know that even a rant can make someone smile!
      I know, isn’t it ridiculous? And ohmygosh that would be a hilariously useless app!

  3. Hey CT. I’m one of those who got addicted to the game but that’s only because I have a very bad addiction to flash games no matter what it may be. But I don’t invest real cash to buy that (ok the dress is quite nice… Fine it’s gorgeous) dress Kim told me to buy :3 heheheh. Just throwing it out into the open!

    • If you’re not the girl who drives to her Sephora right away, if you’re just the girl who has an addiction to flash games then I wouldn’t worry too much about it ๐Ÿ˜‰

  4. Parts of this actually made me laugh out loud, but at the same time I kind of wanted to cry… This is really sad. It also makes me sad that your bibliography includes a Polish nutcase – believe me, I’ve met them, but I’m Polish too so just seeing that makes me kind of disappointed in my nation. Then again, there’s odd cases in every nationality ๐Ÿ˜›

    Game of Thrones is always a good way to get away from stupidity like this. It may not be real, but at least it has a plot and themes that can be related to reality. Seriously, I’d rather cry over a character’s death than a bad makeover…

    • Sad yet ironically hilarious isn’t it?
      I should reassure you about the Polish nutcase, he’d definitely make you proud to be Polish, not the contrary. He’s a nutcase in the good sense, an amazing dude who is funny, unbelievably smart and a great friend. I would totally die if he saw me complimenting him like this, but I feel it needs to be insisted that he’s a awesomesauce person.

      Yay, Game of Thrones fans unite and cry!

  5. Glad to see a teenager who rants about such an app. What troubles me is that someone put in a load of time and effort and probably money to create it; they could have done something vastly more worthwhile.

    I think I’ll take my escapism in the form of novels and good music ๐Ÿ™‚

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s