Tag Archive | Erectile dysfunction

DANGER WILL ROBINSON *faints in horror*

panicMy parents have discovered that I have a blog [shudders uncontrollably]. What will happen to the world? What will happen to the Mostly Confused Teenager? What am I to do? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

And so I sit here, at my computer, desperately wringing my hands, wondering how in Holy Hell they found out. Did someone tell them? Did I leave the page open without meaning too? Why, o lordly cookie, why? I saw that they knew when I was standing next to my Dad’s computer looking at pictures of Mets’ rookies in dresses (please, don’t ask) when my eyes inadvertently widened and a wave of ice washed over me as the pink background of my own special hiding place appeared in his most visited sites. I stared in horror as I realized that this was practically the end of the world for me. Well, not really, but nearly.

I held out a month and a half without them knowing. That’s not very good is it? I’d like to point out that there are some things on The Mostly Confused Teenager that are inappropriate enough that I would never say them in front of my parents.  I mean as far as I know, no parent would want to read a piece their daughter wrote about erectile dysfunction. And might I also mention that I swear, say weird things and swoon over boys on here. This blog contains my secrets, it’s a place where I can say whatever the f*ck I want without repercussions. Well, within reason (I’m sure that if I wrote that koalas are sweeter than pandas some of you would come forward and yell at me). Now, just writing the word “f*ck”, even though I’m hiding a letter, makes me feel all guilty, knowing that my parents are going to read it.

So what am I supposed to do? Suggestions are greatly appreciated, because here I’m at a loss here. Should I ask them to respect my privacy? I don’t think they’d go for that, since apparently they can already be qualified as snoops. Or hey, here’s a wild idea! Mama, Daddy, since you now know the secret identity of a certain CT, why don’t you say something?

Live long and prosper \V/

Yours sincerely,

The Very Panicked Mostly Confused Teenager.

PS: this is a very celebratory 50th post isn’t it?

Advertisements

Those Crazy American Commercials

There’s something that makes American TV commercials somewhat different from ads in other countries, or at least ads in France. Yeah, you know that I’m talking about those erectile dysfunction ads that come on every two seconds *involuntary shudder* I mean the purpose of one in three TV ads is, it seems, to council men on how to get boners.

Whenever I go on holiday to the US I always get excited about watching TV. Reason 1) I finally get to watch my shows on the big screen without having literally every male character sound like a 12 year old girl because it’s been dubbed, and reason 2) because I know that I’m garanteed a fit of hysterical giggles when it’s time for ads. And man, it’s always time for ads. In France you’re not allowed, by government law, to advertise any prescibed medication on TV, in magazines or in the papers, which in some way makes sense but in another makes French ads sooo much more boring. L’Oréal, because I don’t care. Get the idea? Pratically nothing ever happens, and when it does it’s most often an American ad that has been dubbed into French.

But in the United States of America, with it’s freedom of speech and wonderful liberty, there are no such rules, and the results are both glorious and disquieting:

“Are you having trouble living up to your ‘woman’s’ needs? Do you need a treatment that will last over 36 hours? [wait woah… 36 hours? Now I may not now much about the birds and bees junk but 36 hours seems quite a long time to be prepared for] Try our new SuperBonerCrap and go, go be free! Have sex in the middle of the street, in the park, in front of your grandkids! With SuperBonerCrap, it doesn’t matter when, where or how inappropriate the circumstances are, if you’re feeling it, take action. Warning, an erection lasting more than 5 hours may cause serious nerve damage. [God TMI people, kids watch Top Chef too you know] Side affects may include extreme exhaustion, nose bleeding, digestive issues, liver failure, prostate cancer, respiratory difficulties, brain damage and death. [Um excuse me, whaaat?] And as usual, stay safe! SuperBonerCrap, making you wish that you were single and surrounded by cats.”

So maybe I exaggerated a little bit, but not that much. And I know that erectile dysfunction is a real thing that affects a lot some people, but the number of ads compared to the percentage of the population that might need the product is disproportionate. Then again, it’s America, why am I suprised?

Live long and prosper \V/

Yours sincerely,

The Mostly Confused Teenager.